Professional Gamer
Whoa, hey, did you just kill me? That’s impossible. I’ve been playing this game every night in the dark for the past two and a half years. I’ve been playing since the beta release; there is no way you could have killed me just now. It must have been a glitch in the programming or something. Poor collision detection. Yeah.
But seriously, you do not want to fuck with me. I’m a professional gamer.
Hey! Why didn’t you immediately flank to the left when that last wave came at us? What are you, some sort of noob? You stupid fucking piece of shit, get the fuck off my server. I do not tolerate noobs any more than I tolerate high ping rates. I’m trying to play a game here! I’m trying bold new strategies, outsmarting the enemy at every turn. I can’t have your rookie ass clambering after me, getting in the way. This is some serious shit you’ve entered into, kid, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be the asshole to hold your hand through Candyland.
What’s that? Did you just type a question of some sort, asking how to play? OMG, I can’t even believe it. What an idiot you are. What a stupid asshole. I hate you. I hate that you ask questions. I hate you so much that I’m going to stop playing and take a moment to type out a description of how much I hate you. Look, if you can’t be bothered to put in six to eight hours of gameplay a day like the rest of us, then spare us your lag and kill yourself.
Honestly, the game is really quite self-explanatory. If you took the tutorial, you should know exactly what to do, even though the tutorial only covers a rudimentary understanding of the goals. Basically, what we’re doing now is advancing in on the jack in point. I’m a Class 3 unit, so I don’t have decking capability, but you’re a Class 2, so you have to be the navigator. Hey, you got the “enhanced” cyberdeck, right? What’s that? No? You idiot. Now you don’t get to play the mini-games.
Anyway, we need a decker to jack in to the decking point and disable the auto-turrets, so we can get past the main ramp and access the cooling tower. Just BoostJump over the pit (and watch out for sentry guns), then ScubaRoll toward Alpha Sector and BAM! Just two more objectives to go.
Remember, if you run into any stealthers, all’s you gotta do is use thermal vision.
What? Did you just ask me to define some arbitrary gaming term I used? Oh, no you didn’t. Oh, no you didn’t. OMG. What are you, sixteen? Man, if you don’t know what an “hx-xa68or +8 l33t pwn” is, you’re in the wrong stage of life. Get out of here, kid. This server’s for the big boys. And the big boys aren’t here for fun. They’re here for victory.
I am the elite. I am the future.
I am a professional gamer.
But seriously, you do not want to fuck with me. I’m a professional gamer.
Hey! Why didn’t you immediately flank to the left when that last wave came at us? What are you, some sort of noob? You stupid fucking piece of shit, get the fuck off my server. I do not tolerate noobs any more than I tolerate high ping rates. I’m trying to play a game here! I’m trying bold new strategies, outsmarting the enemy at every turn. I can’t have your rookie ass clambering after me, getting in the way. This is some serious shit you’ve entered into, kid, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be the asshole to hold your hand through Candyland.
What’s that? Did you just type a question of some sort, asking how to play? OMG, I can’t even believe it. What an idiot you are. What a stupid asshole. I hate you. I hate that you ask questions. I hate you so much that I’m going to stop playing and take a moment to type out a description of how much I hate you. Look, if you can’t be bothered to put in six to eight hours of gameplay a day like the rest of us, then spare us your lag and kill yourself.
Honestly, the game is really quite self-explanatory. If you took the tutorial, you should know exactly what to do, even though the tutorial only covers a rudimentary understanding of the goals. Basically, what we’re doing now is advancing in on the jack in point. I’m a Class 3 unit, so I don’t have decking capability, but you’re a Class 2, so you have to be the navigator. Hey, you got the “enhanced” cyberdeck, right? What’s that? No? You idiot. Now you don’t get to play the mini-games.
Anyway, we need a decker to jack in to the decking point and disable the auto-turrets, so we can get past the main ramp and access the cooling tower. Just BoostJump over the pit (and watch out for sentry guns), then ScubaRoll toward Alpha Sector and BAM! Just two more objectives to go.
Remember, if you run into any stealthers, all’s you gotta do is use thermal vision.
What? Did you just ask me to define some arbitrary gaming term I used? Oh, no you didn’t. Oh, no you didn’t. OMG. What are you, sixteen? Man, if you don’t know what an “hx-xa68or +8 l33t pwn” is, you’re in the wrong stage of life. Get out of here, kid. This server’s for the big boys. And the big boys aren’t here for fun. They’re here for victory.
I am the elite. I am the future.
I am a professional gamer.
posted by The Ken at 5:52 AM
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